A new day in Africa! (Sunrise at Hoedspruit, December 2011)
Most of the research suggests that majority of the people do not stick to their resolutions beyond a couple of weeks or months, if at all. And most of the goals established before the New Year end up way short of achievement. Having spent almost 30 years doing resolutions (a few times every year) and working with thousands of salespeople and managers who established annual goals, here’s what I think causes any New Year resolution to fail:
Too casual. Some people come up with resolutions for the sake of resolutions, without giving serious consideration to what they really want.
Not committed enough. Any resolution without total commitment is as good as a dream.
Not specific enough. ‘I’ll lose weight’, ‘I’ll save money’, ‘I’ll travel’ are all examples of non-specific resolutions.
No deadlines. Open-ended resolutions like ‘I’ll quit smoking’ are like any other promise without a time frame that we can easily postpone.
No planning. A resolution without a plan is like a destination without a road map – without knowing how to get there.
No follow-up. Milestones and checkpoints are critical in any journey. Resolutions that are not reviewed periodically often come to haunt us at the end of the year.
No action. You know where you want to go, and how to get there, but you can’t there unless you start moving. Lack of action, laziness, and procrastination are often signs of lack of commitment.
If your resolutions haven’t worked well for you in the past, it’s likely because of one of the above reasons. This year, come up with fewer resolutions but make sure they are very specific, backed up with a full plan of action and have your total commitment. Then take the necessary action with perseverance, and review results often. In short, you need to know what you really want, by when and how… then act now!
“When you are interested, you do what’s convenient. When you are committed, you do whatever it takes.”
This post is inspired by someone I met today in Colombo. When he decided to move back to Sri Lanka from the Middle East 15 years ago, his wife wasn’t too happy with the decision. She loved Dubai too much. This man promised his wife that he’ll bring her to Dubai for at least ten days every year. And he hasn’t missed a year since. He told me it was difficult at times to take the ten days off because of work pressure, or other priorities, ‘but a promise is a promise’.
How often do we sabotage our relationships, health, productivity, talent, dreams… by not fulfilling the commitments that we make to ourselves or others. Whether big or small, every broken promise adds up to create an unhappy situation. Some of the most commonly broken promises I can think of:
To our loved ones: I’ll call you back in a minute. I’ll do it during the weekend. I’ll be there for the… (birthday party or the game or the parent-teacher meeting). We’ll take a vacation this year.
To our kids: We’ll read it tonight. Yes, I’ll help with your math. I’ll fix it tomorrow. We’ll go there during the weekend.
At work: I am working on it. I’ll email you today. I’ll clean up my desk. I’ll call you back. I’ll learn the new… (skill, system, program, equipment) soon.
To ourselves: I’ll start exercising. I’ll read that book. I’ll eat healthy. I’m off desserts. I quit coffee. I’ll wake up earlier. I’ll clean up. I’ll volunteer. I’ll start saving.
And I am as guilty as anybody else. Let’s promise to keep our promises. And commit to fulfill our commitments.
How different would our days (and therefore life) be if we noticed, acknowledged, enjoyed and were grateful for even half the things we take for granted every day? Would we be happier, more cheerful and have more enthusiasm? Would we complain less? You bet.
Right now, I am grateful for the long battery life on my mac, the comfortable sofa, the cushion on my lap absorbing the heat from the notebook, the lamp, the cool breeze from the window, the family sleeping quietly, the calm of the morning (4 AM), WordPress, Facebook, people who ask me when they don’t see a new post on my blog… a fridge full of stuff, mostly healthy!
Please share through comments (here or on my Facebook page) what else we usually take for granted, every day. Thanks for reading and sharing.
[Self photography during a beautiful drive in Surabaya yesterday, feeling the rain and breeze]
I just finished reading this wonderful book by Leo Babauta. It’s an important reminder of the importance of focus in this age of distraction, and how to achieve it. The book is available for free and is ‘un-copyrighted’ by the author so you can share it with as many people as you want. Just click on the image to download the PDF version.
It’s an essential guide for everyone who needs to focus, and covers lots of useful stuff like:
Interesting presentation about how women are surpassing men in so many areas, not just in the US but globally. The era of male dominance is slowly coming to end as women gain more power in this postindustrial economy.
Another reason to show more respect towards our womenfolk
Having spent ten days in Australia, I was reminded of the many good things about the Aussies:
Good day, mate! It’s the local greeting but also an attitude of happiness and friendliness. You can only greet each other with enthusiasm if you are really happy and grateful with your life. Otherwise, it will be the usual ‘how are you?’ and ‘not bad’. That attitude is also reflected in their choice of vocabulary. It’s not ‘nice’, it’s ‘fantastic!’ or ‘awesome!’ Simply put, ‘life is good!’
Work to live. Most Aussies don’t live to work. A standard working day for most offices is 8-4:30 and 9:30-5:30 for most shops. This means more time for life outside of work – family, socializing, sports and hobbies. Yes, many Australians actually have hobbies like gardening, woodworking etc. Do they get less work done compared to those who regularly work overtime in many other countries? I don’t think so.
Sunday is family day. Unlike many of us, most Aussies actually have a ‘plan’ for Sundays. And the key elements of the plan are family and outdoors – beach, picnics, parks, hikes. That’s not only great bonding time for the family, but also very healthy.
No worries, mate! That’s also more of an attitude than just another local phrase you hear often. Aussies seem to genuinely believe that no problem is big enough to worry; given some time, most situations sort themselves out; getting stressed doesn’t make things easier. I wonder if they have one of the lowest rates of stress-related illnesses in the world.
Play to win. Aussies are clearly one of the most competitive people, and it’s not just in sports. I think they generally like to excel at whatever they do – be it making a coffee, raising a child or winning an olympic gold. This is also obvious in a higher standard of services.
I am sure some readers will have many negative things to say about the Aussies. Every one of us, every nation, every place has negatives and positives. But I find myself much happier when focusing on the good rather than the bad, particularly when I am traveling. Please share your positive thoughts about your favorite place.
I was in a business meeting recently where the other person kept looking at his phone for messages or emails every time it vibrated. He even typed a couple of messages during the hour long meeting while we exchanged important information and discussed a possible business relationship. Do you think I want to do business with this person?
I was reminded of a time when an estate agent was showing me an apartment when his phone rang and he started chatting non-stop. After waiting for about five minutes, I just walked out of the apartment. When he called back to ask what had happened, I told him exactly what had happened and never met him again.
Whether you are in an important business meeting, or having quality time with a loved one, responding to a call or looking at messages/emails only communicates one thing to the other person: You are not as important as the person calling/messaging/emailing me right now. I think these are some of the worst uses of your mobile phone:
Holding it in your hand or placing it in front of you during a business or personal meeting. If you are expecting a call, let the other person know.
Looking at it every now and then, and reading emails/messages during important conversations. If you must read or send an urgent message, please excuse first.
Immersing yourself in your phone when in a social gathering. That only means: Do not disturb, or I am not interested in any conversation.
Talking loudly on your phone in a public place without any consideration for other people. Either talk softly, or move away from the people.
Typing on your phone while walking, and expecting other people to watch and move out of your way. Ever seen a collision of two people typing on their phones without looking up?
It’s funny how we use our mobile phones to connect with everyone in the world, and often forget to connect with all the people around us – often the most important people in our lives that we just take for granted.
In every situation or problem, we have a choice to respond or react. And our choice determines how we get affected by the situation or problem. My favorite example is that of a delayed flight. Most passengers choose to react by asking for an explanation for the delay, calling up family and friends to share the anger (‘why does it always happen to me?‘), demanding to ‘speak with the manager’, expecting free meals, continuing to be angry even after taking off and landing at the destination and perhaps for the rest of the day. If you choose to respond, you could be grateful that they found out the problem with the plane or the pilot or the weather while you are still on the ground, rather than finding out when you are 35,000 feet up in the air. You could catch up on some phone calls or shopping or reading, or simply enjoy doing nothing for a change. If the flight has been indefinitely delayed, you can also respond by trying to find another connection to your destination.
When someone criticizes you, you can react by offering explanations or starting an argument. Or you can respond by trying to understand the other person’s perspective, by accepting that you aren’t perfect and by being grateful that someone cared enough to tell you about your weakness. Read the rest of this entry »
We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, and we consider ourselves very fortunate to enjoy a great relationship and still be in love. Considering that we are so different from each other in so many ways and that we rarely agree on anything, we often wonder what has kept us so happy together. It’s a few things.
We realize and accept the fact that everyone is different; everyone has his or her strengths and weaknesses. We don’t try to change the other. We choose to focus on the strengths and accept the weaknesses – unless one needs help and encouragement in overcoming a certain weakness. We have come to understand that being in love is not enough for a happy marriage. Happy partners choose to be happy, and they do certain things in a certain way. We have been following a certain unwritten code of conduct about how we treat each other and how we deal with our differences.
Communication is the key. Like in any other relationship, good communication is the key to a happy marriage. You don’t need a degree in communications; it’s mostly common sense. It’s Ok to argue, but you must follow certain rules. Few tips to enhance communication with your partner:
Be honest.
Talk to each other often.
Listen when the other is talking.
Express any concerns quickly.
Compliment often; criticize rarely.
Never criticize in public.
Never yell at each other.
Never bring up mistakes of the past.
Never use the word ‘always’ and ‘never’ in arguments.
Don’t go to bed with an unsettled argument.
Say ‘I love you’ often… and mean it.
Be quick to say ‘I am sorry’.
Forgive and forget quickly.
Never keep secrets from each other.
Keep the in-laws out of your marriage.
What happened to the romance? Remember the first time you started seeing each other? You used to dress up, make-up, put on your best self, hold hands, and do things to please your partner. Why does it have to be any different after few years? Keeping the romance alive is an essential part of being happy with your partner. Some tips for the un-romantics: Read the rest of this entry »
Millions of Muslims around the world are celebrating their Eid (pronounced as eed) Festival today. It’s a day of family, friends, feast, festivity and forgiveness. I hope the following quotes inspire you to forgive others, and yourself, for all the wrongs of the past.
I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note – torn in two, and burned up, so that it can never be shown against one. (Henry Ward Beecher)
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. (Mahatma Gandhi)
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. (Lewis B. Smedes)
Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. (Isaac Friedmann)
Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury. (E.H. Chapin)
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. (Oscar Wilde)
Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me. (Anonymous)
Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you: love, prayer, and forgiveness. (H. Jackson Brown)
There is no love without forgiveness; and there’s no forgiveness without love. (Byrant McGill)
Forgiveness is the economy of the heart – forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits. (Hannah More)
Which one did you like best? Do you have a favorite quote on forgiveness? Please share through comments.
[Photo of a popular shrine in Iran, taken in July 2009]
Jeremy Rifkin is president of the Foundation on Economic Trends and the author of 17 bestselling books on the impact of scientific and technological changes on the economy, the workforce, society and the environment. I haven’t read any of his books yet, but I found this talk/animation very informative, useful and even inspiring:
Someone recently asked me how I always manage to be on time. My response was, ‘It’s not how, it’s why’. Being on time is easy, if you really want to. Few reasons why being late is bad, whether it’s for business, personal, family or social commitments:
It shows our lack of interest, commitment or passion. Why would anyone hire a person who is late for an interview? Or do business with someone who can’t keep the first commitment? How could a relationship be a priority if our appointments with our loved ones are the first to be compromised?
It demonstrates lack of respect for other people’s time. How do you feel when you somehow manage to show up on time, and then have to wait for the other person?
It sets the wrong example for our family, friends and co-workers – especially for people who look up to us e.g. our children, students or subordinates.
Now some tips on how to be on time:
Give importance. Decide to be on time. Don’t participate in anything half-heartedly.
Plan ahead. Be realistic about how long does it take to get ready and get there. Expect the traffic and other things to go wrong.
Positive affirmations. Telling yourself, ‘I am always on time’ works better than ‘I am always late!’
“I never could have done what I have done without the habits of punctuality, order, and diligence, without the determination to concentrate myself on one subject at a time.” (Charles Dickens)
You get the point? Such use of the words ‘never’ and ‘always’ exaggerate the reality and blow the situation out of proportion. It usually sparks an argument, or at best, affects the self-esteem of the other person. Next time you are tempted to use these words, try replacing them with ‘usually’ or ‘often’ if you really must use an adverb.
And what if you are at the receiving end of such criticism with one of these words?
Don’t take them seriously – you know it’s just an exaggeration.
Avoid the temptation to pick on these words and start a heated argument.
Simply ask: ‘Do you really mean it?’ or ‘You mean often, not always, right?
Don’t let it hurt you or ruin your day or affect your self-esteem – you are stronger than that!
The words always and never can also be used in very positive ways to enhance your communication, increase your commitment, and to motivate yourself and others. Please share your views through comments.
The post on 45 Tips for a Happy Marriage continues to be one of the most popular on this blog. Here’s #46 – actually an extension of ‘go on dates’…
We have another ritual that we call Friday Dates. Once in a month or two, we both take the afternoon off from whatever we are doing. We meet at our favorite soup/salad place for a long lunch. Then we usually go to a nearby reflexology place for an invigorating foot/shoulder treatment. The rest of the afternoon is either shopping or movie or just chilling out at a coffee shop.
Why Friday? There’s something about leaving important work behind in the office to meet that special someone. It’s a great start to a wonderful weekend. There’s no rush to go back home to kids – they are at work or in school. The long hours together encourages lot of talking. We share our dreams and goals, address important issues, and even resolve any differences. Try it out. It’s very different from the usual dinner dates, and is sure to strengthen the relationship.
[Photo of sunset from Cococabana beach on Lamma Island, Hong Kong]
We all want more happiness, better health, increased productivity and improved relationships. We want to be able to motivate ourselves to do the things we know we should do to enhance our lives. I try to help myself and others to achieve all that through this blog.
Here’s a collection of posts from the last couple of years that I consider to be the best, considering the popularity and comments from the readers. Most articles are short, and take only a few minutes to read. Please let me know through your comments if this collection could form a useful ebook…
Lately, I have been wondering about the contradictions in our thoughts and actions:
We want to be slim but we eat too much
We want to be smart but we miss the class, or don’t read the books
We want happy relationships but we sabotage them with our actions
We have dreams but we don’t set goals
We want to achieve our goals but we don’t plan
We plan but don’t take the action
We worry about retirement but we don’t save
We want to finish the project but we don’t stay focused
We want to wake up early but we don’t go to bed early
The list goes on. Are human beings lazy, indisciplined, indecisive and stupid by nature? Do our genes not have the willpower to fight temptations, to persevere, to do the right thing?
Just read this wonderful piece in What On Earth Have I Done? by Robert Fulghum – one of my all-time favorite authors…
I have a list in the active pocket of my mind. A list I often refer to when thrown into the company of strangers while traveling. The list is labeled Conversation Lifeboats:
Did you ever have a great teacher – in school or out? Tell me.
What would you be learning – if you had time?
What would you have learned to do if you knew then what you know now?
What would you teach, if you were asked?
Teach me something. Anything.
Do you know any silly tricks? Coins, cards, face contortions?
If you could be an eyewitness to some event in history, which one?
If you could see anyplace in the world before human history, where would you go and why?
Who would you like to see naked?
Who do you admire? Who admires you?
Answer an unasked question – something you know but nobody would ever ask about and you would never volunteer.
Decisions of consequence – what forks in the road were on your way – and what if you had taken the other path?
Pick another place/time in modern history – since 1700 – to live.
A little girl came home from school with a drawing she’d made in class. She danced into the kitchen, where her mom was preparing dinner. ‘Mom, guess what?’ she squealed, waving the drawing. Her mother never looked up. ‘What?’ she said, tending to the pots. ‘Guess what?’ the child repeated, waving the drawing. ‘What?’ the mother said, tending to the plates. ‘Mom, you’re not listening.’ ‘Sweetie, yes I am.’ ‘Mom, you’re not listening with your eyes‘, the child said. (Adapted from Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom)
How often are we guilty of pretending to be listening, without really paying attention. Listening is one of the most important skills for healthy communications, great relationships and excellent productivity. And like any other skills – driving, cooking, languages – it needs to be learned and developed.
We are all affected by stress at some level or another, though we don’t like to admit it. Stress can be positive when it helps you achieve your goals, or implement a change in your lifestyle. But it’s obviously negative when it results in anxiety, depression and illness. This article can help you identify, prevent and deal with stress.
Work-related: This includes deadlines, overload of work, conflicts with the boss or co-workers, job insecurity, lack of recognition etc.
Money-related: Financial crisis, credit card debt, mortgage, loss of job or just lack of money to do the things you really want
Relationship-related: Lack of communication, understanding and trust with your partner, parents, kids or close friends
General lack of fulfillment: Unfulfilled dreams and ambitions; failure in job or relationships
Attitudes that cause stress: Certain traits and ways of seeing the world can cause stress. E.g. Pessimism, perfectionism, addictions, poor communication, anger, obsessing and other such negative behavior.
SYMPTOMS OF STRESS
One or more of the following symptoms could mean that you are going through stress:
Headaches: Certain types of headaches can be related to stress.
More frequent colds or flu: There’s an inverse relationship between stress and immunity, so if you’re under too much stress, you may be getting sick more often.
Sleep problems: There are many ways that stress affects sleep. Too much stress can rob you of sleep and make the sleep you get less restorative.
General anxiety: Anxiety does serve an important function for survival, but if you’re feeling anxious much of the time, it could be because you have too many stressors in your life.
Fuzzy thinking: Your body’s stress response pumps your body with hormones that make it possible for you to fight or flee quickly. But when triggered in excess, this stress response can actually cause you to think less quickly. Read the rest of this entry »
